You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
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