I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
