Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
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