she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
