Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
