i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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