I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
You're a waste of cheezeits
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Two words: blizzard sex
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
