I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
worst night to have a conscience
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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