Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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