if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
