I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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