brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
