Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
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