distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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