I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
