I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I have aggressive nipples.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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