There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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