There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
