Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
