he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Randomize
