Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
