Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
