I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
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