some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
