someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
