I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
