You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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