Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
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