I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
