We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
