I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
One girl and one boy is just not enough.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
