Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
