come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
It's never too late to be topless.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
