Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
