just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
