I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
