At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
