Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
