do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
