Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
