I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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