There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
