they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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