I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
