omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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