Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
