Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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