a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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