Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
