maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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